Danger Zone
by L-Space
Summary: A new face at ISIS stirs up quite the commotion at the agency as Archer tries desperately to charm what he can't charm. Rated M for a really friggin' good reason, I'm just better at writing the actual story than summaries... Read it? Like it? Review it!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I do not own Archer. Obviously. My first crack at writing an Archer fic. Enjoy :)**

**And call Kenny Loggins.**

Chapter One:

Brushing the lint off his freshly pressed coat, a thirty-something year old man looked himself up and down one last time in the mirror. His hair- perfect. Teeth- whiter than a farmer's tan line. Finally satisfied with his appearance, he left the restroom and made his way back to the bar. He casually leaned on his elbow, winking at some women nearby as he ordered a drink. He turned his back to the bar and gazed around the smoke filled bar. _"This is why I love ladies' night,"_ He thought as he smiled and nodded to a beautiful brunette a few feet away from him, _"All the young, hot honeys come out to play." _And that was just the way he liked it.

"Your drink, sir." The bartender said from behind him. He handed the server enough to pay for the drink and turned to leave. The bartender cleared his throat loudly.

"You expect a tip when I had to wait an eternity for a drink? Okay, I got a tip for you. How about doing your job faster so that your customers don't die of thirst?" He shook his head and laughed as he left the disgruntled bartender behind him. He was suddenly approached by a young woman, appearing to be in her twenties. She had the most gorgeous auburn hair he had ever seen and eyes greener than all of Ireland. "Hi, I'm-"

"Not interested in your name, okay?" Her response caught him off guard. "Dance with me." He didn't fight as she pulled him towards the middle of the dance floor. He found her bossy tone kind of a turn on. She faced him again when they reached the center of the large, dancing mob. She grabbed the end of his silk tie, pulling on it to make him move closer. She moved her body against his; he could feel every curve of her body as she rocked her hips. He suddenly became aware of the fact that he was standing there like a dumbass and threw his drink to the floor. Taking advantage of her seductive dancing, he ran his hands over her entire body.

It could have been a few minutes, it could have been hours. He couldn't tell just how long he spent with her in the club. He just knew he had never had a better time with anybody than he was with this girl he didn't know, in a club he didn't like and dancing to god awful techno music. His mind snapped back to his actions as the woman threw her leg onto his shoulder, leaving his jaw slightly agape. "You wanna get out of here?" She asked. Nodding was his only response.

He led her to his car and opened the door for her. He backed out of the parking lot and started towards his penthouse. They weren't even in the car for two minutes when she reached over to his seat and started unzipping his slacks. "Oh. My. God." He said, gripping the steering wheel tighter as she wrapped her lips around his now rock hard penis. He couldn't remember the last time he had gotten this kind of treatment. He steadily pushed the gas peddle down as he reached climax. "Oh my god." He said again. "I'm about to-" She reached a hand up and placed it over his mouth as she finished him off.

She flipped her har as she sat back up in her seat and searched through her purse, pulling out a bottle of water. "By the way, I'm not wearing any panties." She said after she took a drink of water. She placed one of her feet up on the dashboard, as if tempting him to reach between her legs. His internal dilemma was solved for him when she grabbed his hand and slid it up her black, lacey mini skirt. He shook free of her grip and explored. _"Oh my god. It's…. perfectly smooth!"_ He thought. He rubbed his finger slowly against her vulva, seeing her shudder in his periphrial vision. Her thighs were growing tenser as he got her closer to climax. He slid his middle finger into her wet opening; she let out a loud moan in pleasure and gripped his arm. He could tell she had already cum, but he wasn't done with her yet. He pulled the car over in a dark parking lot behind an abandoned building and threw it into park.

He reached under her seat and pushed it as far back as it could go and leaned it into an almost flat position. He then grabbed her by the thighs and slid her higher up on the chair, positioning himself on the lower end. She grinned as he pulled her skirt and discarded it in his vacated seat. He knew that she was ready for his dick, but he would make her wait for that a little bit longer. She let a gasp escape her lips as he stuck his tounge inside of her. It wasn't much longer before she was squeazing his head with her thighs as she once again climaxed. She quivered as he continued to pleasure her. Her moans were now high pitched squeals, her knuckles turning white from her grip on the door handle.

He climbed back into the driver seat, leaving her breathless. He chuckled as he turned the car back on and drove the last block home. Once he parked the car, he met her at her door and scooped her out of the car and threw her over his shoulder, grinning at the obvious fact that her legs were still quite numb. She giggled as he walked to the elevator with her flung over him. He set her down while he hit the button to his floor. She then slammed him against the wall of the lift and pulled his face to hers and kissed him with a passion that blew his mind. He heard the ding of the doors opening and once again picked her up, she wrapped them around his waist. He struggled with his front door for a bit as he tried to unlock it while she was still glued to his face.

They stumbled across his living room, tripping on the sofa and over various objects. His bedroom door was closed, he pushed her up against it as he turned the doorknob. She broke away from him and stepped backwards, unbuttoning her blouse and revealing a deep purple Versace push up bra. She slipped her skirt over her voluptuous hips and dropped it around her ankles. He immediately dropped his pants and boxers and raced to her to unfasten her bra. She hastily unbuttoned his shirt, almost ripping off his muscular body. Once they were both fully naked, he pushed her onto his bed and climbed over her. She bit on her lower lip as he entered her. He thrust slowly as she wrapped her legs around him once more and her arms around his neck. "Harder." She groaned and yanked on his hair. "Be rough with me."


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I am in no way claiming any type of ownership to Archer.**

Chapter Two:

Sterling Archer moaned and rolled onto his side to avoid the sunlight shining in his face. He was surprised that the other side of his bed was empty. The buttery smell of fresh blueberry pancakes wafted into his bedroom._ "Huh… must be making me breakfast."_ He thought as he reluctantly rolled out of bed. He lazily slung his robe around his shoulders and walked to the kitchen. "Making me breakfast as a thank you for the amazing sex ever? You are hands down the most amazing girl in the world!" He exclaimed as he rounded the corner.

"Why, thank you, sir." His butler, Woodhouse, replied as he poured syrup over a stack of pancakes. Woodhouse had been working for the Archers since before Sterling was born. "I do fancy myself a pretty little thing…"

"What?" Sterling asked, unsure if he had misunderstood.

Woodhouse was silent for a moment, the only sound in the kitchen being a newly poured pancake sizzling on the stove. "What?" the old man said, breaking the increasingly awkward silence.

"Whatever, I don't care." Sterling said, shaking his head in an attempt to forget that weird moment. "What happened to that girl I brought home last night?" He sat down at the table while Woodhouse poured him a bloody mary.

"There was no girl here this morning, sir." Woodhouse set the pitcher on the table and stood again at the stove.

* * *

Sterling arrived at ISIS headquarters to find everyone standing around his mother, Malory Archer. "Thank you for gracing us with your presence, Sterling. Now that everyone's here; we have a new addition to our applied research department. When you have the chance, stop by and say hello. Lana, Sterling, meet me in my office. Everyone else, get to work." She took a sip of her scotch and left the group.

"I bet you're in trouble, Lana." Sterling chuckled as he caught up to Lana Kane, a fellow agent.

"Why would I be in trouble?" She asked, crossing her arms over her full chest. Sterling stared at her breasts; he liked to pretend that they were being suffocated by her skin tight sweater dresses. "Archer!"

"Jesus Christ, Lana! I'm right here!" Sterling yelled back at her.

Lana sighed. "You know, sometimes, I don't even know why I even bother talking to you." She continued walking to Malory's office with Sterling trailing behind.

Two large manilla envelopes lay on Malory's desk, labeled only with a number in the top right corner. The agents took a seat opposite their supervisor and waited for her to finish pouring a new glass of scotch. "This is your new assignment." Malory said as she set the decanter down. Sterling grabbed a glass from her mini bar and poured himself a glass as well. "Over the next few days, you two will be undergoing intensive training. All the details are in these envelopes. Review them today. We debrief tomorrow morning." She shooed them out of her office.

"Sounds serious." Sterling said as the door was shut behind them. "That means that there is some serious weaponry for this mission. Hell yes." He ripped open the envelope and shuffled through them to get to the weapons log.

Lana took out her list as well. "Oh yeah, look at this! AR-15s, shotguns…"

"Laser pistol!" Sterling exclaimed wearing an expression similar to a child in a candy store. "I call dibs on the laser pistol! Have to go get it from Krieger now!" He shoved Lana into the wall as he made his way to the lab. He impatiently pressed the button to open the door, shouting as it opened, "Krieger! I want the laser pistol! Where is it?" He was met with an excellent view of the well toned behind of a young woman that was leaning over one of the tables. "Hello, Not-Krieger's ass." The woman looked over her shoulder at him with her large, shiny green eyes. Sterling's jaw dropped as he pointed at her. "It's you!"

"What is all the noise out here? I'm trying to feed Bearly." Doctor Algernop Krieger called as he appeared from between a couple of shelves piled with discarded projects.

"Oh, Doctor Krieger! This agent wants the new laser pistol you developed." The woman chirpped.

Krieger clicked his tounge. "Sorry, Archer. I'm afraid I can't do that."

"Is this about the time I accidentally set your van on fire using your ant strength converter thingy?"

"Also, yes." Kreiger said after a brief moment of consideration. "But mostly because-"

"If you had actually read the notes, you would have seen that under no circumstances are you allowed to use, hold or even look at the laser pistol." Lana said triumphantly, waving the paper in his face.

"I have to at least look at it, Lana." Sterling replied. "I mean, we are going to be on the same mission. Naturally, we'll be in the general vicinity of each other and if you use the laser pistol anywhere around me, I'm gonna see it." His stare suddenly grew cold. "I'm gonna see it, Lana." Lana shook her head and sighed. "Anyway, that is not what a lot of the noise was about."

"Make it fast. Bearly isn't exactly what you'd call a 'people-bear.'" The doctor said, using air quotations.

"Okay, I'm getting to it." Sterling said.

"He's already mad." Krieger added in a low mumble.

"I get it!" Sterling slightly raised his voice. "The point is- I had naughty, filthy sex with your assistant last night and she completely ditched me this morning!"

"Really." Lana said, sounding as if she could care less.

"Yes, really!"

"I don't remember it being _that_ naugty." The assistant said, mostly to herself.

"Are you kidding? What about when you tied me up on the swing and sucked-"

"And I don't need to hear the rest of that statement!" Lana shouted as she covered her ears and Krieger wrapped his lab coat around him. "Krieger… do you… are you…"

"Is your question, 'do you need to hear the rest of that statement' or 'are you turned on by that statement?' Either way, the answer is yes." There was a brief moment of awkward silence, Lana and Sterling both trying not to show how uncomfortable they were feeling, the newcomer's face hard to read due to not knowing her. "So. About that pistol. Here you go." Kreiger reached for a gun that was lying on the table next to him and gave it to Lana.

"So, are you ever going to actually tell me your name?" Sterling asked the young woman. "My name is Archer. Sterling Archer." He ran a hand over his hair to smooth is out.

"Yeah, no… I'm still not interested in knowing your name." She replied. "I get the feeling that you won't stop asking though. Marilyn Bond."

"Like James Bond." Sterling chuckled. "So, uh, you got any plans for lunch?"

"Sorry, Sterling." Marilyn pouted. "I have work to do. The genetic modifier isn't going to build itself." She used her bossy tone again, leaving him feeling discarded and slightly turned on.

A couple of hours after the rejection, Sterling slammed himself down into a chair where Carol and Pam were eating their lunches. "How could she not want to have lunch with me?" He complained rather loudly, knowing that neither of the women was paying much attention to him.

"Uh-huh." was the only response Carol gave him.

"Maybe you were just lousy in bed." Pam said, taking a bite out of her double cheeseburger deluxe.

"No, Pam, I wasn't lousy in bed." Sterling scoffed as if offended by the very idea. "I'm serious you guys. What can I possibly do to get her to like me?"

"Well…" Carol said, tapping her finger on the table. "You can start by not being you."

"Ha ha, very funny." Sterling replied.

"She's got a point, Archer." Pam said. "You use women for sex and then leave them when you get bored of them. You don't care about their thoughts or feelings."

"Wow. I can't believe I'm about to say this…" Sterling began, "Will you guys help me?"


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Lookie, lookie! I wrote a chappie! (I do not own Archer, nor the quote that this was based on.)  
**

**Chapter Three**

"Okay, let's try this one more time." Pam said, firmly forcing her forehead into her hand. She and Carol had taken the afternoon off to fulfill Sterling's request. So far that day, Sterling had called her a cow and threatened to have her office chair turned into a scale so that every time she sat on her fat, lazy ass she would be reminded of just how fat and lonely she was. "Good morning, Mr. Archer." She said in a forced polite tone as she shuffled papers on her desk, trying to simulate how a typical ISIS morning went to work on Sterling's greeting.

"Good morning, Spam." Sterling replied, trying to hold back his laughter. "That's a nice sweater you're wearing. It makes you look less fat."

"Well, I guess that's better than being told that I need to stop using bacon grease as lubricant for my dildo." Pam muttered as she shook her head.

"That's all he said to you?" Carol scoffed. "He said way worse things to me."

"Carol, I was sitting right here the whole time. The worst thing he said to you was that you were a lazy rich bitch that buys her way out of everything."

"And that's hurtful!" Carol insisted, throwing her arms huffily across her chest.

"Okay, and back to me." Sterling interrupted. "My god, what is it with women? Always talking! And you guys have nothing to say!"

"Yeah, see, that right there is what you wanted help with, Archer." Pam said angrily.

"This whole time you thought I wanted you to teach me how to be nice?" Sterling laughed. "I just want you to tell me how to get Marilyn to sleep with me. How does being nice get that to happen?"

"Fine then! You are on your own!" Pam rose and stormed out of the room.

* * *

"Nope." Lana said for what felt like the umpteenth time. Still, Sterling repeated his question over and over to her as they made their way to Malory's office..

"Lana, you have to!" Sterling replied.

"And why exactly do I need to kidnap Marilyn and hold her hostage until she agrees to go out with you? You do realize that I would be committing several crimes?"

"That's _why _you have to do it!" Sterling said as if the reason should be common knowledge. "She can't exactly go out with me if I'm in jail for kidnapping."

"Do you even realize how insane you sound?"

"Do you realize how jealous you sound?"

"So not." Lana stated as she opened the office door.

"About time you show up." Malory complained as the two agents sat down. "I swear, it's amazing that you two can get anything done…" She sipped on her scotch as she glared at them. She set her glass down and pressed a button on her hidden control panel; a large screen descended the wall behind her as a projector overhead began whirring.

A map of a small group of islands appeared on the screen. "These islands are believed to be the home to a terrorist group known as the 'New Reich.' There have been plans leaked to the CIA and the FBI about a missile attack on the U.S., but the blockheads aren't taking them seriously, so they gave to job to us."

"So, does that mean the FBI thinks we're a joke?" Lana asked, a hint of anger in her tone.

"It doesn't matter, since we're going to destroy every last one of those Nazi copy cat sons of bitches." Malory snapped. "Your job is to go in and prevent them from launching their nuclear warheads… by any means necessary."

Lana and Sterling nodded and stood to leave. "Krieger has asked for samples of the Reich's weapons if at all salvageable." Malory added. "But with your record, it will be a miracle if the island is still there after you two are done with them."

"I can't believe that the FBI is giving us cases that they think are jokes!" Lana fumed as they made their way to the research department.

"It's kind of like getting their sloppy seconds." Sterling chuckled. When he noticed that his companion wasn't laughing, he poked her. "Lana, did you hear what I said? I said 'it's like getting their sloppy seconds.' Lana? Lana. LANA!"

"I heard you!" Lana yelled back as they reached their destination. "You're not as funny as you think, Archer."

"What are you talking about? I'm _hilarious_." Sterling replied as Lana opened the door. Sterling shoved his way past her and called for Algernop. "Krieger! My mother said you had some stuff for our mission."

There was no reply.

"Huh. Wonder where Krieger could be." Sterling mumbled as he started fiddling with some of Algernop's discarded experimental hidden office supply weapons.

"Maybe he's back here somewhere." Lana said. "I'll go look for him. Don't break anything."

"God, Lana! I'm not a child! I'm not gonna break- oops." Sterling picked up an ordinary looking ballpoint pen that apparently contained some sort of mini grenades, causing a minor explosion on Algernop's workbench.

"Oh my God!" Lana yelled from the back of the laboratory.

"I swear, I didn't do it!" Sterling replied. "The lab exploded by itself!" He ran towards the back of the room and stopped as he saw what caused Lana to freak out.

"Uh…. This isn't what it looks like?" Marilyn and Algernop said in unison. Sterling and Lana could only stand in complete horror as the two "doctors" appeared as a deer caught in headlights laying half naked on a toppled over bookshelf and Algernop using some odd looking device on Marilyn.


End file.
